Surviving grief

1. GRIEF:  a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.

I thought I knew about grief.  I felt it when my grandmother died and definitely when we lost our mother, though my reaction to my father's death left a numbness that has never gone away.  I've felt the pain of loss over the death of family pets and friends and acquaintances, over broken relationships and distance between loved ones, over a close call on my own life  - and I thought I knew all about it .... but I didn't and I don't.

Five months ago a family we have known for a very long time, and who have been both neighbours and work mates, lost a daughter. She was 25 years old and had lived those years with cystic fibrosis.  I witnessed their deep and painful grief through friends, face book messages and on their faces when I saw them.  Their battle with grief continues and like ripples on the pond, has affected everyone who knows them, causing many people to examine their own lives and fully appreciate their family.

We are told that grief is a natural, healthy process that aids healing from emotional wounds but the journey takes us through shock, denial, anger and deep sorrow, and it is not a comfortable ride.

When, less than three weeks ago, our beautiful, friendly, happiest-dog-in-the-world, Rufous, died on the living room floor at 4.30am, in the two minutes of that night we were not in the room with him - we were (and I do not often use this word as it is over used) devastated. We were shattered, shocked, stunned, dazed, traumatised, crushed, overwhelmed, distressed and overcome with the deep sorrow of loss.

We had seen the vet the afternoon before, knowing things were not right - and they had not been right for several months, but, being in a state of hope, we didn't fully realise that. Rufous died a week shy of his 14th birthday. That made him about 98 in people years.  He was more than five years past his use by date after a diagnosis of cancer, he had problems with his pancreas and digestive system, arthritis in the spine and he'd had both knees rebuilt after wearing them out. Regardless of what areas of his little body were shutting down, I feel he died of old age - it was his time, we knew it was coming but would never be ready. I still weep as I write this because I miss him so much.

For three days we hardly ate, we walked around in a daze, crying in anguish.  We thought we were prepared, we had chosen a burial site five years ago and that made the first task a little easier.  But we kept hearing him in every creak of the house and seeing him out of the corner of our eye.  He was in every room, every part of our day.  We suddenly had the first of many, many things - the first mail delivery without Rufous, the first shopping trip without Rufous, the first washing day - the first visitor to not be welcomed by Rufous - our days were full of missing him.

There is no way our loss could be compared to our neighbour's loss, after all they lost their daughter, we only lost a dog. But our pain was the same. Possibly we will adjust sooner .......... whatever sooner is.

But it set me wondering about what we grieve for and I came up with relationship. We have lost a relationship that we enjoyed, treasured and were blessed by.  I feel that relationship with family and friends is the core of emotional life for human beings, especially as relationship is a two way deal.  We have a relationship with God, with animals, with our garden, and the loss is like an amputation as it rips away a precious part of us.

Many people have written about grief with more knowledge and understanding than I have, but I needed to gather my thoughts into words, so I can look at them.

RIP little man Rufous.  

The 14 years we had with you will never end as you live in our hearts forever.  

You were an angel, sent to teach us about life, 

about strength and survival,

about not complaining,

about unconditional love and forgiveness, 

about joyfulness and the miracles that joy can bring,

and we embraced all those lessons.

Thank you.

Rufous B the Happiest Dog in the World,  10.03.2001 - 03.03.2015

using the herb COMFREY

I've been in love with the herb comfrey for about 40 years but have not had it growing for half of that time.  We moved around at bit over the years and I haven't had a suitable place to plant it - but now, at last there is a garden and plenty of space to grow this incredible herb.  Comfrey likes to settle in for a long stay, in fact there is an understanding among herb growers that  - you plant comfrey knowing it will still be growing there long after you have gone.

Hairy comfrey leaf, freshly washed

Comfrey sends tap roots 3 metres down into the subsoil (about 10 feet) to find the yummy nutrients that make it the wonderful herb it is,  so a mature plant would be almost impossible to move, or remove. Comfrey is grown from root cuttings and any broken piece of root is a potential plant - you can cut away part of the root without destroying the rest. The author Jackie French tells of accidently ploughing over some comfrey plants, cutting them into small pieces, and she ended up with a paddock full of comfrey. A lucky accident I'd say.

Some leaves are eaten before I can pick them

The comfrey leaf is surprisingly hairy, thick, and sometimes bitter to taste. Flowers can be purple, pink or white and I'm delighted to discover this week that mine are purple.  The harvesting advice I've read is to harvest while in flower but others suggest waiting until the plant is over 60cms high (2 ft) but I pull leaves off whenever I want them.  I often have to race the insects though - they know it's an amazing plant.

So, what is it good for?

Comfrey plant a few months oldSo, what is it good for?  

Comfrey has been used as a healing herb forever - recorded use goes back to 400BC.  Originally from Europe comfrey was used by the ancient Greeks and then European settlers discovered the Native Americans also made good use of the herb. There is a wealth of information available in books and on the net. I've been reading about comfrey for many years, but these days I read and re-read Isabel Shipards book  - How can I use HERBS in my daily life?  One reason is she lives locally, so what grows at her place should grow at mine - the other reason is she provides so much information you feel full. But I do also look into YouTube to watch people making salve, ointments, fertilizer and doing other interesting things with comfrey.

TO USE ON THE OUTSIDE: The leaf and the root can be used as a poultice, a tincture, ointment or just the raw leaf (chopped with a little oil or hand cream to hold in place) as an external application for the healing of;  boils, bruises, burns, coughs and colds, cramps, eczema, inflammation, insect bites, fractures, gout, joint pain, rheumatism, skin ailments, sprains, strains, swelling and more.

Comfrey is also a softener for skin and hair. Make fresh comfrey 'tea' from a few chopped leaves, (bring to the boil in water, stew until water is green, cool, strain) and pour it over your head as a final rinse for soft and shiny hair. Make this fresh each time. You can also add a stronger comfrey 'tea', from fresh leaf or powdered root, to your bath water.  You'll find different ideas about making comfrey 'tea' on the internet.

With such wonderful healing properties comfrey is good for the skin and a comfrey oil can be used as body lotion and as massage oil for tired, sore feet. Rub it on your legs after your shower to deal with all those little cuts and scratches you get and to help with varicose veins and aching joints. Many different recipes for making the oil and ointments, are to be found on the internet.

A WARNING: Do not apply comfrey to deep open wounds or if infection is present as it's healing powers can work so well that surface healing may begin before the underlying wound has healed properly and skin healing over an infected wound is not good. It's better for a deep wound to heal slowly from the inside out.

Comfrey salve or ointment - comfrey infused olive oil
added to melted beeswax.

TO USE ON THE INSIDE:  Comfrey has also been used as a tea to drink, nibbled straight from the plant or as a food with the leaf eaten raw in salads or cooked in stews and soup to;  relieve allergies, anemia, asthma, bladder problems, bronchitis, coughs and colds, digestive problems, fatigue, fever, gallbladder problems, hay fever, psoriasis, respiratory and lung ailments, sinusitis, and more.

BUT I MUST ADD THIS DISCLAIMER: Do not eat or drink tea from any plant you have not fully studied and identified properly. Please consult with your local alternative herbal care specialist before using herbs you are not familiar with. In some areas internal consumption of comfrey is not encouraged, for a variety of reasons.

IN THE GARDEN:  I must make it clear that I am not a gardener. I sometimes say I am an organic farmer, but in reality my husband is the organic farmer and while we chat about the work and make farm decisions together, for me it is theory.  I don't dig dirt or pull weeds. The actual work I do is paying accounts, keeping the books, labeling boxes and making phone calls.  My interest in herbs is for food, health and treating ailments.

In the kitchen garden comfrey is a wonderful fertilizer, especially for tomatoes. I have a bucket of, what is also called 'tea' waiting to be used as fertaliser - a half cup full added to five litres of water, sprayed around the veggies makes them very happy and healthy. I might experiment with some of our ginger plants one day.

Comfrey fertaliser ‘tea’ - I pick the leaves and let them dry out for a day or two
before putting into a tightly covered bucket, just covered with water. This is
two months old and almost ready. Add half a cup full to five litres of water and
water your vegetables.

The leaves also make a rich mulch. When I find dead leaves around a plant I leave them to mulch the parent plant and find they are quickly absorbed into the surrounding soil. Comfrey leaves and stems can be used to accelerate the action of your compost heap. Many websites offer advice on how to make the fertilizer tea and how to use it in compost.

I have heard that when fed to cows comfrey aids milk production and gives longer living, healthier cows, but I've not had any experience with that. I've also heard that horses will eat it but I imagine if it was used regularly you'd need a huge amount of leaves and you'd have to have a comfrey farm. I know chooks like it, but don't seem to seek it out like caterpillars do. A few days ago R spotted a wallaby in the comfrey garden, but I can't say it was comfrey that brought it so close to the house.

Our beloved dog, Rufous, is 12 years old and while he has survived cancer in the past, he now has several more tumours growing on his body and something wrong with his digestive system. The vet doesn't know any more about his stomach problem than we do. We have decided not to put him through the trauma of more surgery to remove misc growths at his age, as he has had more anesthetics than most humans.  I am giving him comfrey in his food and also rubbing it on, and if it does not fight the cancer I hope it will at least give him some quality of life for the time he has left.

Rufous under the frangipani

Last July I bought 5 comfrey roots to grow. I kept them in self watering pots until they had decent leaves, before planting in the garden under my frangipani trees.  I'm not sure if this is the best place for them as they do not get a huge amount of direct sunlight, but they will have the sun for the winter months. The insect damage is the worst problem, as they eat more of the herb than I pick. I do know what type of comfrey these plants are and where they came from.
Then in October I was given an exciting birthday present in the form of a plastic bag of woody bits and dirt, which I recognised as a comfrey root! What an amazing gift!  I had been speaking to an interesting lady at a school fete, and we got onto comfrey, which this lady had growing in her garden. I told her how I'd used a comfrey poultice when I cracked the bone in my elbow. (I made the poultice with leaves from my mother-in-law's comfrey plant, which is twenty years old and a lot stronger than my little babies). A week later that ladies daughter sprained her ankle, so she dug up her own comfrey root to make a poultice and also sent me a clump of twisted root as well. Some of this root I used to in oil and the rest, seven pieces, I planted in my home made pots. Two pieces failed to root, possibly it was the wrong section of wood. As our weather has been extremely wet I've been protecting them and they are not in the garden yet - I'm still looking for the right spot, but that is a job I'll be doing this week.  I plan to put them on the other side of the garden to my first five plants because I do not know their history and I'm not sure if it's the same type of comfrey.  I'll be taking my own advice above and waiting to have it properly identified.

Baby plants waiting for a permanent home

After an eight month wait I'm very excited to find that one of my original five comfrey plants has flowered. This little one, below, was left as a sort of control plant, mainly because it was hard for me to reach. I've already used leaves from the other four plants to make oil infusions, tinctures and ointment, and I'm looking forward to experimenting more with comfrey recipes as all my plants mature.

Purple flower on a full grown plant

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

using OILS AT HOME

I'm happy to say I've enjoyed a very busy life. I've always had plenty of interests and hobbies, work I enjoyed and self improvement study. And there was house work, organising the family, health issues, friends, extended family and associated problems plus the children with all their interests including pets, homework, sport and other activities.  So, along the way I've had to decide that some things did not fit into whatever space I had left. Understanding how a car works was one thing I did not have room for and physical exercise was another.  One person cannot do everything.

Kambucha tea

I've always had an interest in health and natural remedies.  For years I talked to people and read what I could on naturopathy and herbal medicines, then using what I had learnt, diagnose and treat my family and myself (naughty girl). I did start some naturopathic study once but life got in the way. I am not a person to take things at face value though. I like to know what I am getting into so if something was recommended I would investigate ... things such as bark therapy (not for me), acupuncture (not for me), fasting (maybe occasionally), kambucha tea (eerrkk) reiki massage (seems a bit airy-fairy), aromatherapy (expensive and vague area), homeopathy (I don't understand it) and chiropractic (first experience was a bad one) were some areas I touched and then put aside.  Until recently. My wonderful physio therapist found a different job and I was desperate to find one who could treat the ongoing problems with my damaged neck and shoulder and ended up at the chiropractor.  It seems chiropractic has come a long way in the past 25 years and my shoulder and neck are being treated very well - as long as I take breaks from the computer.

However, I digress - and that's not like me at all!  Lets wind back to aromatherapy.  I don't know what I thought it was but I ignored it because I just didn't have the time. Then my sister emailed me about success she was having with some 'new' oils she was using for chronic bronchitis, so I read about it and found that using essential oils can be called aromatherapy - .  It never occurred to me that I already practiced a type of this therapy, many of us do when we massage Vicks Vapour rub or eucalyptus into chests and make menthol packs for colds and flu or burn scented candles. That's basically what it is.    

Avoiding the airy-fairy feel-good attachments to many alternative remedies, this area of alternative medicine uses essential oils distilled from herbs and flowers to improve personal comfort and health and to heal - just like my mother and grandmother did. My mother used eucalyptus or Vicks, rubbed onto the chest for infections like bronchitis, or spots of the oil on the pillow case for sinusitis. She massaged it into our feet and put us to bed in cotton socks for colds and flu. I always loved her honey and lemon juice sipped from a spoon, in the middle of the night, for a sore throat or the misery of a cold (but that, apparently, is naturopathy). As I suffered chronic sinusitis I learnt, at the age of eight, how to prepare an inhalation and everyone understood that a menthol lozenge would to 'ease the throat and clear the head'.

The essence of the oil is absorbed through the skin or inhaled - but let's keep it away from eyes and sensitive areas.  The brain is stimulated and muscles relax so you can rest or sleep. Blocked sinus passages can be cleared and mucous membranes strengthened. But beware, commercial oils can be very concentrated and some are poisonous so care is needed when handling them.  And, if you are allergic to any food or herbs, you could be allergic to the oils too. 

Lavender

Oils can be antiseptic, antiviral, antifungal and antibacterial, such as Tea Tree.  Brochures available at health food shops list a wide variety of oils available and what to use them for.  I look down the list and always want to buy the lot, but I've learnt the hard way, they are expensive - some over $30 a bottle, and they have use by dates. You could use very little of some oils and end up throwing the bottle away. Apparently it's much cheaper to make your own oils and there are instructions about that here - 

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Essential-Oils

As the oils are very concentrated they are usually mixed with a 'carrier' oil before applying to the skin in massage.  Carrier oils are made from nuts and seeds which can cause allergies in sensitive people so the use of these essential oils must be tailored to the person being treated. You can substitute a light tasting/smelling olive oil for the expensive carrier oils. And if it's all too messy and too fussy, just use a blob of plain, low fragrance, hand cream in your palm, add one or two drops of the oil and mix together before applying to feet, chest, back etc.

I have never used oils with babies, in my family, apart from a little eucalyptus somewhere in the room, so I'm not sure what oils can be used with little ones - maybe consult a professional first. When one of my children needed it I used a steamer in the room, without oil. When I say children I mean from about age two and up. And take care they don't rub oils into their eyes.

So, oils can be used three ways.

Topical application - the oil is applied directly to the skin by massage or soaking in a foot bath or a whole body bath.

Aerial diffusion - the oil evaporates into the air disinfecting the room and treating the patient.  This can be done through a commercial diffuser, or in an oil burner. A hot scented heat pack, usually lavender, can bring comfort too.

Direct inhalation - the oil is inhaled to treat respiratory infection or decongestion. Boiled water is poured into a bowl and a few drops of the oil added. The patient holds their face over the bowl breathing in the steam, and the oil.  When I was young my grandmother insisted I have a towel over my head to avoid wasting the steam, but it is stifling inside that hot 'tent' for child and could possibly lead to burns, so I never do that now. You could make a larger tented area with a sheet if needed. Oils in the bath can be inhaled too but the bath needs a really good clean out afterwards and I got sick of scrubbing away greasy eucalyptus tide marks. In fact all oils are inhaled to a degree, from massage or spots on clothing or candles.

Some useful oils to have on hand would be,

Eucalyptus  - This is the first bottle I reach for when I I have a cold or flu. It clears blocked airways and. I feel, can help to prevent the infection spreading from head to chest. Eucalyptus does not need a carrier oil before applying to the skin for adults, but maybe you should dilute it with young children. And we all know eucalyptus comes from Australia.

Lavender  -   I've found to be an aid to relaxation.  Massaged into neck and temples it can give relief from some headaches. It is also used as an antiseptic and pain reliever for minor cuts, burns and insect bites. It can be used in massage for muscle pain or in chest rubs. Some people add Lavender oil to a hair rinse to treat head lice. It is a traditional 'old lady' perfume, used in soap and talc.  Lavender originated in Europe and now grows widely across the world.

Sandalwood - I love the smell of sandalwood and use it as a comforting chest rub or foot rub.  I find it helps me sleep when I'm not feeling well. Sandalwood originates in India and is used in cosmetics and as a perfume.

Tea tree - I use it for its disinfectant and antiseptic properties - very handy for insect bites and apparently it can be used as a mouth wash.  During WWII Australian soldiers carried Tea Tree oil in their first aid kits. It's a little strong to be a perfume but you do get used to it.

Cloves - I use the oil in damp weather to discourage mould. The bottle I have is extremely concentrated and a stray drop can be smelled on the skin all day, and I don't like the smell.  Apparently is it a topical analgesic, or painkiller and I know it was traditionally used for toothache. My grandmother didn't use oil, she would just put a whole clove in her mouth and bite down!  It can also help with nausea but I'm not sure how.  Apparently cloves are native to Indonesia and can be used as a tea.  I'll have to look into that as I'm becoming in interested in teas lately.

Citronella - This oil is a great insect repellent. Used in soap, candles and incense to repel insects it is sometimes called the mosquito plant.  It grows in pots and is handy to have in outdoor living areas.  Apparently it is also good to calm barking dogs. I think they put it into those spray collars, but I've never used one.

And that's the news on good oils.

THE BABY ONE

one rainy day, after a walk in the wet grass,  I was fluffing the dog with a towel and calming him with the silly baby talk we often use with pets. 

"There's a good boy, roll over and let me do your tummy, now tickles for the baby one and kisses for the mummy one!" 

My goodness - where did that come from? 

Zoooommm back almost 40 years and I'm sitting on the 'night n day' couch (it unfolded into what was almost a double bed and we slept on it for a year) breast feeding my first born and crooning, "You're the little baby one and I'm the big mummy one!" 

Another zooooommmmm back to see myself, half way between my first and second birthdays, standing in the cream painted wooden cot, in a pale green room. I can reach the window and see into the neighbour's backyard but I'm not looking outside, I'm checking my toys, lined up on the window sill. The collection of plastic bunny rabbit money boxes that grew each pay day when my very young father, a bank teller then, brought home a new one.  They came in a variety of colours, mine were mostly shades of green but also  pink, yellow and blue. Standing on my toes in the cot I could almost look them in the eye. I'd touch each one with my index finger and announce it's place in the family.  "This is the daddy one, this is the mummy one and this is the baby one, and the aunty one, the grandpa one". and so on.

The neighbours could see in the window from their veranda. They said hello to me, and the bunnies, every morning and if the window was open I entertained them with my bunny news,  "The baby one didn't eat his peas." 

The year I was born, Lines Bros in England were mass producing toys from plastic and not far away, in Denmark - where both my great-grandfathers were born - the LEGO company bought a plastic injection-molding machine to produce plastic toys. Two years later that machine was producing 200 different toys, including plastic stacking bricks. It was the age of plastic. I wonder where my plastic bunnies were made.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, 

they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.